


I Hurt Myself

by knaveofmogadore



Category: The Lorien Legacies - Pittacus Lore
Genre: Breakup, Gen, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, not really because they were never together but
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 11:54:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15218606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knaveofmogadore/pseuds/knaveofmogadore
Summary: I still ship Jadam I just thought of this idea an hour ago and gave into the maniacal tween urge to make Adam cry





	I Hurt Myself

**Author's Note:**

> I still ship Jadam I just thought of this idea an hour ago and gave into the maniacal tween urge to make Adam cry

“I doubt Nine washes his hair often enough for that.”

John blinks, and then he smiles fondly. Then he chuckles quietly and nudges Adam's shoulder with his own. Adam flinches and his eyes widen with surprise for a moment before he smiles back. His brows draw together, his smile is small. John speaks before he can ask about the sudden affection. 

“There he is.”

Adam only looks even more confused. 

“There who is?”

“The Adam I know. I was starting to think we lost you there.”

Adam's smile falls. He turns and wraps his arms around his knees and rests his chin on his folded arms. John frowns too, worried he said the wrong thing. He reaches out to comfort Adam, but stops, his fingertips inches from his shoulder. 

“Adamus?”

“I'm not sure he is here anymore.”

“Who? You?”

“The me I was. I'm not sure if there is space for him in this world anymore. So much has changed, John. Maybe I have to, maybe..”

John grasps Adam's shoulder gently and gives it a shake. Adam tenses, sucks in a breath, then releases it in a sigh. He leans into the touch without thinking. John squeezes his shoulder again and he gets the hint, he turns his head and he meets John's eyes from his hiding spot in his own limbs. John smiles reassuringly in return 

“He'll always have a space with me.”

“How can you say that?”

“Because you're my friend, that's how. I'm always going to be here for you.”

It's then that Adam notices how close they are. John's hand is rubbing circles on his back. He can probably feel his heart pounding through his shirt. He is leaning in so close now, almost to Adam's level. He straightens so that John loses contact, is farther from the breaths escaping his mouth at record speed. John drops his hand and rests it in his own lap. His crossed knee bumps against Adam's thigh and suddenly this feels like a terrible idea. 

“Why did you follow me John.”

“Like I said, you're my friend. You basically disappeared, I wanted to make sure you were ok.”

Adam actually laughs a little at that. Hollow. Choked. A little hysterical. John's frown returns. 

“You're...not..ok, are you,” John asks, cautiously. 

“I don't think I ever have been,” Adam murmurs. 

He blinks and shakes his head to clear those thoughts. John comforting him about /this/, something that is _Adam's_ fault alone, is ridiculous. Almost insensitive. He wants to push John away, tell him to go back to their friends and leave him the hell alone. But he never wants John to leave, and that is the problem. John was never his to keep. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Adam sighs. How best to do this without taking it out on John? He never asked for any of this. Not Nine's pig headed stubbornness, not Adam's feelings, not even this situation. He is just comforting a friend. Nothing more. 

“Do you want to talk about Nine,” Adam asks quietly.

“Wait, I'm sorry, where did _that_ come from?”

Adam thinks back, to an hour ago. Everyone is talking and laughing, enjoying the fact that almost everyone is together for the first time in years in one of the Academy's townhouses. Six and Sam were in the kitchen and had been for a while. Ella had challenged Marina to a game of Magic, an earth game she had picked up. Adam is watching, absorbing how to play and growing more sure by the minute that Ella is letting Marina win. Then he looks up, and he sees them. 

John first, always John first. He smiles and he laughs, his bright beautiful blue eyes light up the room. Every time his eyes find John in a room it's like he is sucked into a tunnel, it always takes him a moment to pull his eyes away. What he sees when he does sends a crack through his heart, his chest opens up and fills his stomach with something heavy, something that hurts. This is what heartbreak feels like, he thinks, without grief. 

John was still there in that room with him, but his heart was and is a thousand miles out of reach. He and Nine had been tangled together on the couch, his hand on Nine's chest, Nine's thigh against his hip. Something stupid, they were doing something so stupid, Adam remembers. He thinks, maybe, fighting for the remote. Something they had probably already done five times since John had gotten there with Adam in tow a few hours before that. Something mundane and so very stupid, but Adam knows what he saw. They had locked eyes, remote forgotten in Nine's outstretched hand. Their laughter changed, softened, their teasing grins and jabs with fingers turned to fond smiles and gentle pushes. They had, in that moment, fallen in love. Adam, this evening, has finally understood that he never had a chance in this first place. Maybe once he did, but years ago, not now. Not after he left him. 

“Adam,” John says again, guiding him back to the present. “Do you want to explain that?”

Adam looks John in his eyes. Deep, blue, beautiful, caring, concerned, evasive. John is hiding something from him, poorly. Poorly, because Adam already knows what he is trying to hide. Whether or not Adam is right, and he knows that he is right, John loves Nine regardless. Nine, and not Adam. John waits for his explanation, searching his face. He sees nothing, because he is not John, he is not an open book. Grief, pain, embarrassment, shame, none of it shows in _Adam's_ eyes. His voice is less of a blank slate, but it barely shakes. 

“You love him.”

Everything clears from John's face to give way to shock. Widened eyes, slack jaw, flushed cheeks, like Adam had slapped him with his hand and not the truth. He acts like he never knew, never thought about it. Maybe it never crossed his mind until Adam said it, but there is nothing he doubts more. 

“Adam I,” John swallows, searches for words that could smooth this over. He might even be asking him to keep silent, like Adam would ever air his business like that, ever /betray/ John like that. He holds up his hand to stop his sputtering. He stares at it like he could hide from the conversation that way. 

“You can deny it to him, to the others, even to yourself, but don't you ever dare deny it to me,” Adam says. 

He drops his hand and tries to smile. It feels weak and trembles at the edges, but he is trying. John, the absolute jackass, reaches over and smears away a budding tear. Internally Adam curses himself, his body, his emotions, and John himself on cycle. He draws closer, more concerned. Adam can feel his steady breath and hands on his face. Steadfast, reliable, unaffected John. Meanwhile Adam's heart races, his cheeks redden, and he feels the nudge of a stupid and terrible idea at the back of his mind. _‘Well,’_ he thinks, _'I can't make this any worse than it already is_.'

Adam leans forward to bridge the gap and connects his lips to John's. He feels a surprised sound slip past John's lips, the hitch in his breath. With disgust he feels his own tears roll down his cheeks. For him this kiss was everything, for John is was just lips sliding over lips. Fast, terrible, meaningless. Adam pulls away just as quickly as he leaned in.

“Thought so,” he whispers. 

“Adam,” John says, his voice thick. 

Adam stands to put more distance between him and John. After this he doubts John will want to look at him, let alone talk to him, for a long time. He ignores the moisture on his cheeks. There was no point in trying to hide it now, with some of it smeared on John's face. John tries again to talk, to comfort him, and he quiets him with a hand on John's cheek. 

“If you want to make this better for me, then talk to him. Tell him how you feel before he loses his mind.”

Adam turns to walk away and shoves his trembling hands in his pockets. Now the best thing to do would be to leave John to his thoughts. He already ruined their friendship, the last thing he wanted to do was ruin any chance of getting it back someday. John says something, too quiet to make out but loud enough to hear. Against his better judgement he stalls less than a few steps into his retreat and waits for him to repeat it. 

“I'm sorry, Adam. I never knew you felt this way.”

He almost wants to hug him, to soothe all the pain he caused. He shakes his head, he knows that is delusional. Staying would inevitably lead to this situation going to a place they can never back out of, and Adam loves John too much to lose him completely. He still turns around to face him, he owes him that.

“None of this is your fault, not me, not my emotions, not my feelings for you and not tonight. Understand?”

John opens his mouth. To object? To comfort him? To assure Adam that everything actually was his fault somehow? He would never know, because John swallowed it and nodded, accepting the truth. 

Adam turns one last time and walks away from John, taking his heartbreak with him.


End file.
